Hermey Doesn’t Like to Make Toys

The innocent decision to write a novel has seriously screwed up my week. I can't write. Creating a 500 word blog post has been like trying to catch a buttered kitten. (Which, by the way, happens to be one of my favorite things in the world to do on a lazy Sunday afternoon.) I actually …

Poodle Punching & Honor Killing

More Proof of a Godless World In the news ... a guy--a filthy, rotten mofo--fatally punched his four pound poodle, Lola, in the face. The 230 pound psychopath, Ted Shuttleworth, is a former television screenwriter who worked on NYPD Blue. He faces up to a year in prison (not long enough). I hope with all …

Do You Feel That Erosion?

On Father's Day, my mad paternal skillz were rewarded with a clogged floor drain in the basement. An hour later, Ivan from Belarus arrived with the nastiest pair of gloves I'd ever seen. After snaking our hole, dislodging our muck, and taking $275, he gave me a 45 minute history lesson on Eastern Europe. I thought 15 …

Daddy, There’s a Dead Opossum Riding Your Bike Around the House

I was sitting in Panera Sunday and there was an older guy and a teenager sitting 14 feet from me. Their conversation didn't grab me until the man got louder and more animated. I couldn't tell if the older guy was a father or grandfather. For the next 10 minutes I listened and watched while …

548 Damp Words on Moods, Indecision, and Dysthymia

Dysthymia - A word I can't pronounce The sky opens and finally hands us something to work with: a summer storm. (I get bored with the sun.) Ainsley decides to herd the various balls from the yard, so she pulls on her raincoat and water shoes. And then: "Daddy! The cushions!" I put on my raincoat …

Philosophy of Life, Home Improvement Edition

When we were looking to move from Maryville in 2010, I wanted to buy a smallish, updated condo. I didn't want a yard to maintain. I didn't want to move knowing, for example, that the kitchen cabinets would have to be changed out. So what did we do? We bought a large house in Edwardsville …

I’m a Superhero! Just Take Away “super” and “hero” and the tights

The whole family watched Marvel's The Avengers a few Saturdays ago. I swear I didn't wear an Iron Man costume. But I did see a kid with the mask and boots. I've never been a big fan of this movie breed, but I have seen 16 out of the 92 movies listed under Wikipedia's List …

Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag

I love bags. Last night, my wife laughed at my new one. She said it was a girl's purse. I called it a wristlet. Then she laughed because I knew it was called a wristlet. I said "What would you call it if it was shoved up your ass?" I have two primary bags, a …

Local Man Doesn’t Know Why He Does That

Granite City, IL (AP) -- A bewildered Pontoon Beach man, married for 15 years, couldn't explain to his wife, who, allegedly, is "at the end of her goddamn rope " exactly why he does that. Friends of the couple say that the man does that because it's just a part of his nature, that he …

Yes! I Awkwardly Worked “Snot Rocket” into a Post About Soda

After I write this I'm going to invent something amazing in my basement. You know those convenience store sodas that are large enough to climb into? Well, you really should carry that with two hands. My invention will free up a hand for some candy bars. And since your pockets will be free of candy …