Deep in My Underwear, a Wire

I don't know about you, but my days are filled with mistakes, misjudgments and, sometimes, nasty falls. Before my 15-year-old left for school this morning, she told me to hang back for 5 minutes even though we were both ready to go. Why? Because she knows her father is a doofus and life is less …

My Depression Is Not Yours

This man is wet AND maybe depressed. I'm not trained to tell. Although depression is a common mental disorder with over a quarter of a billion affected worldwide, we're all unique in how it feels. My depression is not yours. I'm standing tentatively in the sunshine now, leaving behind the worst depressive episode of my …

A Porn Star or a Homeless Man

Porn Pedallers Bicycle Club Yesterday as I sat in a cafe, a man walked in carrying a bicycle helmet, on which read “Porn Star” in large, clear letters. He wore light-colored, ripped jeans. I know “fashionably distressed” denim and this wasn’t that; his pants were hideous. He wore a dark blue fleece too large for …

How Do You Spend Your Time?

American Time Use Survey - measures the amount of time people spend doing various activities, such as paid work, childcare, volunteering, and socializing. Not much fascinates me more than what you’re doing in your house right now. I know that sounds weird, but I just want to know how you spend your time. When I walk …

The Dead Blog Breathes Again!

*puts on blogging gloves and magic underwear* Today I'm blowing the dead skin and space rock bits off the ol' blog. Yes, how the dust has settled all around here in my inexcusable absence. *puts lips together, leans forward* Fffffffff. Fffffffffffff. Ffffffffffffffffff! There, much better. *sneezes* In order to get my shit together, to get …

The Great Purge (Saws and Tight Underwear For Sale, Cheap!)

(Note: This will be the last post here at plumbananas.wordpress.com. New stuff will be forever at plumbananas.com. Adjust your bookmarks.) One of the most exciting aspects of our impending move to London is what I’m calling the G-POOSH, or The Great Purge Of Our SHit. (Okay, I'm not really calling it that.) It’s the process …

We’re Moving to Freaking London, Mates

If you want to continue to be updated when I post new stuff, which--I know!--hasn't been often, go here, to the new site and sign up. Like, now! Please. You don't want to miss anything because shit's getting weird here in Edwardsville, Illinois, USA. That's because we're packing up our underwear and spoons and plush toys …

Our Dogs Kind of Love Uncooked Brown Basmati Rice

Warning: This post contains profanity and several references to feces. If you’re offended by this type of thing, you might want to skip this one. *  *  * I’m carefully crafting a blog post about how I literally almost crapped my pants on the evening of Wednesday, May 7 at approximately 8:30 pm. Often people …

Help, I Married a Gum Litterer

It’s a miracle that I’m able to write today during such a difficult time. Here’s the problem: I just found out that my wife is a litter bug. I've been asking myself: Should I alert the authorities? Should I file for a divorce? I know. It’s not like she killed someone. She littered. But before …

My Wife Should Know I’d Write About This

I might change the design around here; things are looking a bit stale to me, and I can't stand that pink border WordPress insists on wrapping around my photos. I'd like to wrap it around their heads. Anyway, this is too funny not to write about. This is the stuff I wash my face with …