Why I Might Store Summer Squash in my Butt <–best title ever!

If I could bottle a day I would pick this past Monday. The weather was perfect and I felt fit, productive, and content. The only thing missing was a head first dip into a tub of melted chocolate. Cooled off, of course. All kinds of good stuff happened. I dug a small garden and planted …

Does One Guy Need Ten Plaid Shirts?

As 2013 arrived my closet held ten long sleeve, buttoned shirts, including a yellow one I bought in Kohl's over three years ago. It's certainly the only yellow shirt I've ever purchased and probably the last. It was not a smart buy because I wore it, like, three times. I held onto it longer than …

A Thorn in my Arm is but one of the Thorns in my Arm

If you ask a hundred Americans to name their favorite flower, eighty-five will say the rose. The remaining fifteen won't hear you because they're texting or playing games on their phones. No, seriously, I'm not sure about those fifteen people, but I would guess that they were somehow involved in the rose production process, which …

Add Meteors to the List of Things I’m Scared of

All of a sudden it appears I have to worry about--along with such important matters as getting enough pickles on my 6" Veggie Delite--being smashed by a meteorite, not to mention the need to learn the difference between meteor, meteoroid and meteorite, which, until last week, I could give two shits about. (Whatever that means. …

The Stuff in my Life

Well, I'm counting my possessions again. I wasn't going to, but that was because I had too much to count; now I don't. If you're wondering why the hell anyone would want to do such a thing, click on the above link or read all about this "movement" called minimalism. In as few words as …

Psoriasis of the Inner Glove

While walking the dogs last week, on four consecutive days we passed an abandoned glove in the middle of the road. Each day it seemed to move closer to the curb, closer to our side of the street. I didn't pay much attention to it. Until Friday. I saw it was a Seirus glove. I …

My In-laws Are Trying to Kill my Future Grand-baby

On September 22, the day we celebrated our daughter's birthday with a houseful of people, Jennifer's parents pulled into our driveway with an old wooden high chair. My father-in-law put it in front of our garage. I was hoping this was all part of some temporary display for the party. Sort of like a short …

A Dive into Dysthymia and the State of my Earlobes

dys·thy·mi·a noun /disˈTHīmēə/ Persistent mild depression Last week suuucked. It was a no-good rotten bad week. Most of it anyway. Not tragedy bad. No cancer diagnoses. No pet deaths. I didn't crush my head on the corner of an open kitchen cabinet door after knocking around underneath for some obscure, dusty baking pan. (Jennifer and I …

The Softer Side of Live Baseball

On Wednesday thanks to Cousin Chad I was able to experience a live MLB game in a entirely new way: a "let us make you feel special" way. Before I get into how it went down in the $169 per ticket UMB Champions Club, let me run through the bullshit that comes along with the common man's pass …

My Sister Went to Vegas and All I Got Was a PooPen

Ah, but her gift was more than the physical item; she presented on a platter an excuse to write about two of my passions: poop and pens. One I seem to unknowingly collect and stash in my various backpacks and messenger bags, the other shows up unexpected and unwanted in various places about the house …